Having this access to online research libraries, through my college, has me feeling a little drunk with power. I’m not even in any classes that require research. I haven’t written a formal paper in… a lot of years. It’s been time. I’m going to get my money’s worth, though, in the form of articles about Sally Blane, and I swear I will somehow fit this in to being legitimate school work.
Anyway, I found the following article, titled Three Young Gals, from 1928. It’s an interesting introduction to the three just totally unfair gorgeous sisters, Polly Ann, Betty Jane (Sally), and Loretta… whose nickname is not Gretchen, it’s her real name, doofus.
I hope you read that whole thing, because I’m going to hop into my time machine and go full fangirl bonkers on this author. For great comedy (or sad, pathetic, this is what I do in the wee hours of Saturday mornings pity), may I present…
An Open Letter To Alma Talley
Look, Alma, I get it. You really dig Loretta Young. I do, too, because she’s awesome. What we need to discuss, however, is your nonsense, backhanded, and unfair treatment of Betty Jane Young, aka Sally Blane.
Item One: ROLY POLY?! ARE YOU ON DRUGS?! You called her that not once, but twice, in this article. I did a fruitless ten second google search for a picture of you, but lady, you need to step off it anyway. I don’t care if you’re 95 pounds or 195 pounds. You’re just going to sit at your typewriter and fat shame Miss Sally? Nuh uh. Nope.
Item Two: NOT AS BEAUTIFUL AS HER SISTERS?! WHAT ARE THESE DRUGS?! You clearly have missed the Young sister dynamic. Polly Ann is the beauty, Loretta is the cute one, and Sally is the sexy sister. No, I said it. I totally called it. You are wrong, Alma Talley. Sally is one million percent gorgeous, and to say anything to the contrary is TO BE WRONG, ALMA. You are wrong, and you are awful.
Item Three: “Sally, for example, looks as if she stood off and threw clothes at herself.” NOW COME ON. It is so clear that you like Loretta better than Sally, EVEN THOUGH YOU SAID SALLY WAS THE EASIEST TO GET TO KNOW AND ALSO THE FRIENDLIEST, but you’re just going to throw her under the bus like this? You didn’t even include a picture of her in said attire! Neither Sally nor Loretta even look like they’re wearing clothes, in the pictures you’ve got going on here, perv-o! You know what your description sounds like? Some Jetsons quick-dress, still looking fabulous stuff. SO SALLY WAS JUST AHEAD OF HER TIME WITH BEING ABLE TO DRESS HERSELF, WHATEVER.
Please leave, Alma. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.